Aku no Baka
by Indigo Tantarian
Summary: Ryou's misunderstood, but not in the normal way. Bakura and Mariku are trying to get rid of the Pharaoh, and pick on Yami Mariku as much as possible while they're at it.


Author's Note: I had my usual half a page of notes, but I don't think I'll indulge my narcissism today. I'll just say that yes, this is meant to be quite random. And yes, I am laughing at you. Naturally, I'm giving Shadi and the spirits I often have inhabit his Items a cameo or two.  
  
There may be slight traces of shonen ai in here. Not much though. And only if you look REALLY hard!  
  
If you don't know the Japanese suffixes by now, it's your own fault. But "Mou hitori no (person)" means "The other (person)."  
  
And if you think I own Yu-Gi-Oh or anything to do with it, you're delusional.  
  
/…/ = Hikari to Yami  
  
//…// = Yami to Hikari  
  
-  
  
Aku no Baka  
  
-  
  
Ryou Bakura sighed sadly as he slipped on his backpack at the end of the day. He hated walking home from school…  
  
"Oh poor Bakura! All the tough guys beat him up!"  
  
…It wasn't the bullies. He'd had a short problem with them when he moved in, but the spirit of the Ring he wore had taken care of that problem… All of them were now either terrified of him, or dolls for his old Monster World game…  
  
"I hear he lives by himself, because his dad's always off traveling for his job. Poor guy, he's so lonely! And he's always by himself at school, too!"  
  
…He wasn't lonely. Not much, anyway. It was true that he lived alone for the most part. Well, not completely alone. There was always the Sennen Ring's spirit, who liked to be called "Bakura." He really did enjoy solitude sometimes, was that so wrong? He didn't see anything particularly tragic about it. And as for being alone at school, that wasn't his fault. He had some friends, but they were so terrified of Bakura stealing their souls that they made a point of avoiding him a good part of the time…  
  
"I'll bet he's secretly in love with me!" He heard giggling.  
  
…He most certainly wasn't in love. Especially not with any of them. When he had first arrived at the school, three girls had attached themselves to him like leeches, despite his obvious discomfort. They'd moved on soon enough, but if that didn't put someone off the idea of love, what would? No, it was something else troubling him…  
  
"Poor Bakura-kun always looks so sad. Do you think the spirit of the Ring still beats him up every day?"  
  
"I'll bet he's full of bruises under his clothes! He always wears long sleeves!"  
  
"I feel so sorry for him…"  
  
"Yeah me too, but I'm not gonna tangle with that psycho again…"  
  
…THAT was the problem. No, not the Ring's spirit, you fool! He whirled around and glared at his friends.  
  
"Did it ever occur to any of you that I'm perfectly fine when I don't have a whole room of people pitying me!? Or that YOU are the ones the spirit of my Ring doesn't like? Or maybe that I'm used to warmer temperatures and I LIKE long sleeves!?" Finished with his short rant, Ryou stormed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.  
  
The room was silent for a while.  
  
"Poor Bakura-kun…" Yuugi said, shaking his head sadly. "He can't even let us help him. Mou hitori no Bakura won't let him do ANYTHING!"  
  
"Well, we'll just keep trying then!" Anzu exclaimed. "We'll try even harder, because he's our friend!"  
  
"Where did that come from?" Jounouchi asked. "Everyone knows that Ryou just comes with us sometimes to help us figure out what's going on."  
  
The others nodded wisely, including Anzu, who had caught her mistake. They looked out the window, watching the solitary white-haired boy make his way home among numerous claims of sympathy.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Ryou finally made it home and slammed his apartment door shut, crushing the fingers of a few of his more ardent sympathizers. He locked the door and gave a huge sigh of relief. The Ring around his neck glowed, and Bakura, the spirit of his Ring, was standing beside him.  
  
"It took you long enough!" the thief snapped. "I wish you'd let me turn them all into dolls. Or send them to the Shadow Realm."  
  
Ryou sighed and took off his backpack, going to the kitchen to make himself a snack. "Bakura, you can't do that to people…"  
  
"Why not?" The former tomb robber followed his host to the kitchen and grabbed a bar of chocolate, smirking. "The great thief-king orders you to bring me a can of soda! Now, boy! By Ra, you're slow!"  
  
Ryou rolled his eyes and handed his darker half a can of soda, taking one for himself as well. "It's not good to hurt people or imprison them like that… And all the dolls I have are so depressing! The ones made for real people are usually so ugly. And they all stare at me when I'm trying to do something, and I KNOW what they're thinking… Or if you send them to the Shadow Realm, then my monsters start to complain of the smell…" Ryou wrinkled up his nose in sympathy.  
  
Bakura quickly opened the can of soda and gulped down a mouthful. "It's not my fault that all the big ugly lummoxes go after you. And you know, if they make you so nervous, you could turn them around. Or put them in a box or something. Unless…" Bakura's eyes gained a hint of sympathy, but also a spark of laughter. "You're not still afraid they'll revolt and eat you at night, are you?"  
  
Ryou shivered and took a bite of his cream-filled bread. "Don't even joke about that… … …I know they will if they have the chance…"  
  
Bakura laughed. "I wouldn't let anyone eat you, you know. You're far too useful to be wasted on dinner!"  
  
Ryou smiled slightly. "Thank you… I'm glad I'm at least better than dinner to you!"  
  
Bakura smirked. "You'll always be better than dinner for someone else. Nothing will ever change that." He patted Ryou on the head, and the boy smiled happily, then blinked and thought about what the spirit had said.  
  
"Wait…"  
  
"Too late, fool! Pay attention! I won't have you turning out like those idiot friends of yours!" Bakura rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I don't know why you'd want to hang around them… Is the world today so deprived of intelligence that THAT is the best you can do?"  
  
Ryou smiled slightly. "I don't mind helping them see what's going on in duels, and things like that. It would be like being a teacher… …if they learned from it… But they're really nice! And they're brave, too. Yuugi-kun is going to defeat the greatest evil in the world." His eyes became sparkly.  
  
Bakura rolled his eyes and threw his empty soda can at Ryou's head. "You do realize you're speaking of ME, don't you? So watch it. And besides, that idiot Pharaoh finds a new 'ultimate evil' every other week. Bullies, the Sennen Items' guardian, more bullies, Kaiba, me, Kaiba again, Pegasus, me again, Malik, me yet again, and whoever else decides they don't want to work with him. And I won't even mention the hundreds of 'lesser evils' he's decided to defeat, destroy, and demolish."  
  
Ryou rubbed the bump forming on his head and frowned. "That's because they hurt his friends. Or because you try to steal his Puzzle and rule the world."  
  
"Oh, of course… You FOOL! He destroys the strong so that he can rule the weak, like the coward he is! Besides, that's not the only reason I want the Puzzle… … …If you hadn't noticed, it's very shiny. And it glows better than the Ring. And I'll bet that's what gets him all his attention."  
  
Ryou blinked. "I… guess you're right. It IS very shiny. But I thought you DIDN'T want all those people watching you! Why do you want attention now?"  
  
Bakura glared at him. "That's the Pharaoh's fault, just like everything else. He killed my family! He took away my attention!"  
  
Ryou's eyes widened in horror. "He did!? But… how? Why?"  
  
"He murdered them! He took some people from my village to make the Sennen Items, then he killed everyone else! I hid, but I almost died myself! It's all his fault!"  
  
"No… Mou hitori no Yuugi did that…?"  
  
"YES!" Bakura screeched. "…His father did it. Kind of. Well his uncle really did it. But with his father's permission! …Except he didn't know about it until afterwards… … …But it's STILL all his fault, and he will pay!" Bakura glared determinedly at his host.  
  
"Um… all right…" Ryou said slowly, going into the living room to turn on the TV. "Just don't hurt my friends, okay? Because you know if you do, he'll really kill you…"  
  
Bakura scowled and began his habitual inner monologue as he followed the boy and flopped down on the couch next to him. //Stupid Pharaoh… I hate him. I hate them all. I'll kill them. Every one of them. I'll rip out their throats with my teeth. I'll skin them with their own Duel Monsters cards. I'll have my revenge. I don't care. I don't care at all.// He looked over at Ryou, who was watching him out of the corner of his eye. //You won't tell him I said this, will you? He'd just come over and do a mind-crush on me, and it might hurt you too, so you'd better not.//  
  
Ryou shook his head. /I won't tell him. Besides, I don't think you plotting against him or hating him would be anything new to him./  
  
Bakura grinned and leaned comfortably against his lighter half. //Good boy. That's why I keep you.//  
  
Ryou smiled and turned back to the television when there was an urgent pounding on the door. Both of them looked up in surprise. There was more loud knocking, followed by yelling.  
  
"Bakura-kun? Bakura-kun! It's okay, we're here for you! We know what's happening, it's all right! We'll help you! We're not afraid of the spirit of the Ring!" the voice trembled slightly at the last part.  
  
Ryou's shoulders slumped as he sighed. "The door's open, you can come in if you want," he called. He didn't want them disturbing the neighbors. The pounding and shouting continued.  
  
"Never give up, do they?" Bakura commented. "Can I show them what they want to see this time?"  
  
Ryou shook his head. "I'm still hoping that they'll get the point some day…"  
  
Bakura frowned. "No beatings, no rape, no suicide attempts by you… Not even a sudden dive for your pants? You never let me do anything fun! And you're just as boring as you expect me to be! Can I at LEAST get the door before they break it down?"  
  
Ryou nodded. "I guess so. Just don't say anything to give them any reason to worry."  
  
Bakura rolled his eyes and heaved himself off the couch, muttering to himself all the way to the door, which he flung open in time to have Jounouchi and Honda crash into him and fall on top of him in a heap on the floor. He angrily pushed them off and stood, brushing himself off. "What do you losers want?"  
  
Yuugi's big eyes had a determined look to them. "We've come to stop you from hurting our friend Bakura-kun!" he said in his high squeaky voice.  
  
Bakura laughed at him, a "you're a moron" laugh that quickly became an evil laugh. "You fools! I haven't laid a finger on him! And what about your own friend, the one who destroys peoples' minds for fun?"  
  
"You won't get away with this any more! Now where's Bakura-kun?" Honda ignored him completely, then gasped in horror as a thought dawned on him, still tangled up in Jounouchi. "Did you kill him and steal his body!? You monster!"  
  
Ryou came over to the door resignedly. "I'm right here. I was trying to watch TV, and I was going to do my homework afterwards. So I really can't let you stay too long today."  
  
Bakura smirked at this, and then leaned down to whisper to Honda, "No, I ate him. And he was quite good." The brown-haired boy's eyes widened in horror, as he looked back and forth between the two Bakuras. The one with the slanted eyes nodded, assuring him that it was the truth. Honda stared at him, then he and Jounouchi, who had heard as well, looked at each other. They leapt up and ran out of the apartment, screaming about cannibals and monsters. Anzu looked from them to Bakura, and ran after them.  
  
In a flash of the Puzzle, the ancient Pharaoh replaced the small boy in front of Bakura.  
  
"Tomb robber! You'll pay for all that you've done to my friends!"  
  
"Oh who are you kidding, Pharaoh? You don't have any friends! Those are just your host's friends! No one likes you, and they never will! You're worse than Shadi, because at least he has his job to blame on it!"  
  
The morning and evening star of Egypt glared, but with a hint of worry in his eyes. "They are my greatest friends. You wouldn't know! And THAT man is just another who sought to corrupt my host! Anyone who dares to question the Pharaoh DESERVES no friends!"  
  
"Actually…" a quiet voice came from outside the apartment, and the two spirits and Ryou looked out to see an Egyptian man in white robes and a turban standing there looking quite pissed off. "…If you had bothered to ask, you might find that I have quite a few friends. You might even call me a socialite, if you were familiar with such a complicated word. Or if you cared."  
  
The guardian's eyes suddenly narrowed and grew darker, with a slightly sinister look. "But if you WERE stupid enough to ask, you'd see that you were right. The only ones this lump ever talks to are the voices in his thick head!"  
  
His eyes then took on a greenish color and he looked far more friendly for a second. "It's not his fault… Don't say such things!"  
  
Then Shadi's eyes were back to their normal calm, pupilless blue. He frowned in annoyance and muttered angrily to himself , or perhaps to his own Items' spirits as he walked away, mysterious mist swirling all around him.  
  
The three watching blinked slowly as they stared. Finally, Bakura frowned and shoved the Pharaoh backwards.  
  
"Get out of here! You're not welcome."  
  
Yuugi's dark half narrowed his eyes, and the Eye of Horus appeared on his forehead as he got up and stalked towards the doorway again, sticking out his hand.  
  
"Your insult to my honor will cost you dearly! Mind Cru--" Bakura slammed the door in his face, jamming a few of the Pharaoh's fingers. There was a muffled "ow," and the sound of a great amount of negative energy being hit back from whence it came. Bakura smiled cheerfully at Ryou as they heard a pained scream and a shattering sound outside.  
  
"You should get started on your homework. Do you have a lot?  
  
"I do! And hopefully I'll be able to do it now, without any distractions."  
  
"That's good. Do you mind doing it in your Soul Room today? I want to go see Malik."  
  
"All right, that's fine with me. Just don't stay too long!"  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Malik Ishtar was having a good day. The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze, and his dark half was skulking in the bushes behind a park bench as the boy tossed some bread to a flock of pigeons, which immediately began a fight to the death to decide who got to eat today. Malik smiled happily. But alas, he had just thrown his last piece of bread.  
  
"Hey!" he yelled, startling his other half into bumping his head on a tree branch. "I need more bread! Go get me some!"  
  
The personification of his negativity glared at him. "Why should I? I'm always doing what you want! You should be serving ME!" He towered above Malik, but only because of his hair. His outrage was cut short by the Sennen Rod connecting with his head. "Ow! Ra damn you, quit that! I don't need any more damage to my head!"  
  
Malik smirked. "Well that's definitely true. So go get me some more bread before I have to do it again. Get two loaves, I'm meeting Bakura in a while."  
  
The being of evil glared and stalked off towards the convenience store, muttering resentfully. He hated Malik. He hated Bakura. He REALLY hated Malik and Bakura together. For that matter, he hated everyone! Especially the ones Malik liked! Like his horrible sister, she thought she knew so much just because she saw the future every once in a while… And worst of all, Rishid. The man wasn't even related to him, he was a servant! But Malik treated him like a brother! Yami Malik kicked a passing dog in his anger, and was rewarded by a bite in the ankle.  
  
Unlike the other spirits in the area, this one was truly his host's darkness… He was made up of Malik's pain, fear, anger, and hate. Pure negativity. Pure darkness. So, appropriately, he was sometimes called "Yami Malik," or just "Yami" when Malik spoke to him.  
  
On Yami Malik's way to the convenience store, a tanned bald head suddenly appeared in front of him. Grinning in unholy glee, he drew out a long knife from nowhere and quickly leapt to slice the Ishtar servant's head off. People screamed and ran in all directions to get away from the homicidal maniac bending over his victim. He kicked the severed head to the side and snarled in displeasure. It was some old man.  
  
"Oh mice!" Yami Malik spat, confusing his exclamations again. "Blockage! Sex!" Passersby, who had wandered back to the scene, having forgotten why they ran in the first place, stared at him as he stalked off. "I'll get you bread, stupid host… Bread of DEATH! You'll wish your ancestors had been sterile!"  
  
The angry spirit stomped into the store, grabbed two loaves of cheap bread and a large green Popsicle. He used the lighters at the cash register to light some dry goods on fire, which distracted the worker long enough for him to stroll outside again in a leisurely fashion. He tore the wrapper off of his Popsicle, cackling to himself as he threw it into a bird's nest and walked back towards the park, swinging the bread bags like nun chucks. …What a strange word for a weapon. But Yami Malik smiled at the image it brought him, of throwing nuns at unsuspecting bystanders. With this happy thought, he skipped the rest of the way to the bench were Malik had been sitting, chomping down his Popsicle.  
  
"What took you so long?" Malik demanded, tossing a rock idly at his yami's head.  
  
"OW! Ra, I'll kill you for that!" the spirit glared at his host. However, it was hard to continue that when Bakura came up behind him and stuffed a live pigeon down his shirt. He began twisting and yelling, then fell to the ground writhing in ticklish discomfort. Bakura smirked as he grabbed the bread and tossed a bag to Malik. The two sat down on the bench with Yami Malik squirming on the ground in front of them and opened their bags of bread, tearing off bits and throwing them at Yami Malik. Within seconds, the evil spirit was covered in pigeons, fighting frantically to get every crumb.  
  
"Heh, some great evil yami…" Malik snickered. "Defeated by birds. Why didn't the Pharaoh defeat you sooner?"  
  
Bakura rolled his eyes. "This is the PHARAOH we're talking about. He broke a sweat over some third-rate dancer."  
  
Malik nodded, aiming a piece of bread for his yami's neck. "That's true. Anything for a dramatic victory. He has to suffer every step of the way."  
  
"You don't know the half of it. His host invites mine over to their game shop every so often so the Pharaoh can have a full-fledged angst session about how he can't remember his past and he doesn't know what to do…" The former tomb robber sighed. "Poor Ryou. He puts up with a lot."  
  
"Yeah, he must! It can't be easy to be the Pharaoh's tagalong. At least he doesn't have to be his FRIEND, though. I don't think he'd escape from that with his sanity."  
  
"No, he can be strong right now, but that would push him over the edge," Bakura agreed, poking Yami Malik with a long stick. The other spirit seemed to have nearly passed out due to lack of air, and Bakura and Malik weren't finished with him yet. "He's in a good position right now, though. He can spy on the Pharaoh for me without being too closely watched himself."  
  
"I'll bet."  
  
"And I get to see the Puzzle all the time."  
  
"Well yeah, but just SEEING it…"  
  
"…It's shiny. VERY shiny. I think Yuugi must polish it every day. The Sennen Guardians used to do that in the past, you know. Polish all the Items almost every day. But the guy doing that now really slacked off. My Ring hasn't been polished in ages."  
  
"Hmm… Probably because the only Items he has now are his OWN…" Malik frowned and threw a bread crust onto his yami's arm. "If you want a shiny Item so badly, polish it yourself! You realize, don't you, that the Puzzle may not be as shiny if you don't keep it that way…"  
  
Bakura glared silently for a while, absentmindedly putting a bit of bread into his own mouth and chewing slowly. Yami Malik, from his haze of pain, laughter, and very little air, spotted a dark gray pigeon with a brown head. His hand whipped out to wring the offending bird's scrawny neck, visualizing Rishid in its place. Malik frowned and whacked his fingers sharply with the Rod.  
  
"OW! I'll kill you all!" Yami Malik screamed instinctively, his brain having given up on the finer points of thought construction a while ago.  
  
"Quit it, or I'll give you to the Pharaoh to get him to think I like him," Malik said sternly.  
  
"That's actually a good idea," Bakura mused. "You can play innocent, say everything was HIS fault, get rid of him, and make the Pharaoh trust you all at once. Wish I'd thought of that. But I'd have to give him ME, because he thinks Ryou is too weak and innocent and… abused… to do anything evil."  
  
Malik nodded thoughtfully. "Not a bad idea. Heh, want to go live with the Pharaoh, Yami? I'm sure he'd love to destroy you," he taunted.  
  
Yami Malik whimpered slightly from the mass of feathers. He was beginning to think he might be allergic to the disease-ridden birds.  
  
Malik and Bakura laughed together, exchanging jokes at Yami Malik's expense, until a deep voice interrupted them.  
  
"Malik-sama…" It was Rishid, Malik's friend/servant/brother. He cut an imposing figure in the dark robes of the Ghouls, but then Malik wasn't much better in his skimpy purple shirt, which was no protection against the late fall winds. "Isis-sama requests your presence at home. She has…." the two exchanged a significant look. "…dinner ready."  
  
With a strangled cry, Yami Malik launched himself off the ground, pigeons flying in every direction and feathers swirling all around him. He leapt wildly at Rishid, bloody knife drawn…  
  
…Until his chest slammed into the Sennen Rod that Malik quickly stuck out, and he collapsed in front of the bench, where Bakura's foot nudged him a few times.  
  
Malik's eyes narrowed, then he turned back to Rishid. "What's she making?"  
  
Rishid glanced at Yami Malik's twitching form uneasily. "…Stir fry, Malik-sama…"  
  
"Oh, okay!" Malik said, grinning. "That'll be good! Want to come over for dinner, Bakura?"  
  
Bakura frowned. "I would if you'd have something decent once in a while! Damn vegetarians…"  
  
"Hmph, it's my upbringing, okay? We didn't get any meat as kids, so we're not used to it now. Nobody's forcing you to come. Go boil my yami, see if I care." Malik scowled at his friend and kicked his yami.  
  
Bakura rolled his eyes. "Ra, you take everything so personally… It's not a big deal. Go boil your own yami."  
  
"I would. And I should, for everything he does. But I'll keep him around for a while. He's fun to pick on, don't you think?" Malik pointed the Rod at his now unconscious yami and poked him a few times before pulling him back into the Rod. "See you around."  
  
"Maybe next time we can wreak unimaginable havoc on the Pharaoh and his friends! We'll start a whole 'reign of terror' thing!" Bakura suggested, his eyes lighting up. Malik's did the same.  
  
"Yeah, we can steal his Puzzle and MY God Cards!"  
  
"And then we can get all the other Sennen Items!"  
  
"Hey, you can't have mine!"  
  
"No one asked you, shrimp." Neither asked where Yuugi had come from.  
  
"Isis-sama would not like…"  
  
"We don't need to hear that, Rishid."  
  
"Yes, Malik-sama…"  
  
"You will not touch mine either."  
  
"Quiet! No one invited you and your other two thirds!" No one questioned Shadi's comings and goings much anymore, so his showing up wasn't much of a surprise.  
  
"You know if you try to get MINE…"  
  
"I already have yours, you freak! I took it ages ago, get over it!" Pegasus just liked to make a nuisance of himself, now that he could no longer read peoples' minds for fun.  
  
Malik rolled his eyes. "Honestly, no one wants to cooperate these days…"  
  
Bakura nodded sympathetically. "It's never been easy to overthrow the Pharaoh. And his little minions just make it harder."  
  
Malik sighed and nodded in agreement. "Well I'd better get home. It's not good to keep Isis waiting, and she'll know exactly what I was doing… Meet me back here next week if you can."  
  
"All right," Bakura agreed, waving noncommittally as he walked off towards Ryou's apartment.  
  
Malik waved wildly after his friend, then quickly turned to the silent man next to him. "Now, Rishid… You still want a chance to really be a part of the family?"  
  
Rishid's eyes shone with happiness. "Yes, Malik-sama! I'll do anything for that!"  
  
Malik grinned. "Give me a piggyback ride home!"  
  
Rishid staggered back, then blinked at Malik. "A… what, Malik-sama?"  
  
"You heard me!" Malik leapt up onto the older man's back and clung to him like a monkey. Rishid quickly regained his composure, sighed, and walked back towards their home, looking as dignified and intimidating as one can with a slightly insane boy on his back. 


End file.
